Una Palabra Sola Episode 10, respeto
Nuestra pesadilla: our nightmare | Photo credit: Parks and Rec
respeto: (n) respect, admiration, esteem
Male gender: el respeto
Related words: consideración (consideration), cuidar (to care for), preservar (to preserve), respetuosamente (respectfully)
Antonyms: grosería (rudeness), descortesía (discourtesy), grosero,a (rude person), maleducado,a (badly educated person)
Related verbs: tutear / tutéame, respetar, faltar respeto, obedecer
From the Latin “respectus”, regard, consideration, looking back at
What we truly desire more than anything is to connect with other people: to connect with intention, with confidence, and with competence. We want to be perceived as a good person, and we want to find and connect with other good people.
1:58: The concept of respect is embedded in Latin culture within tú AKA “you, informal” and usted (Ud.), AKA “you, formal”
11:38: It’s more about the perception of respect, because it can be a very subjective thing.
22:16 Ask! Get it out in the open. Be ready to commit in your verbs! If someone wants to be addressed in tú, be sure to know all the appropriate tú conjugation rules, and vice versa for Ud.
28:03: The difference between tú and usted are from Latin, from Ye Days of Olde where royalty needed to be addressed differently than plebians. The world seems to be becoming more “tú”-focused.
30:02: There are other ways to show respect in Spanish than just tú or usted: focus on the person in front of you, be as prepared as you can be, and focus on the relationship.
For reflection:
Think of a moment when you gave a friend advice on a social situation. Now turn that advice inwards - what advice can you give yourself for your situación social en español? ______________________________________________________.
Make a list of 10 friends, family members, or upcoming appointments. Which would you use where: tú o Ud.?___________________________________________________________________________________________________________.
Practice conjugating a verb, and say the tú and Ud. conjugations aloud. __________________________________________________________________________.
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TRANSCRIPT BELOW:
Hola y bienvenidos, hello and welcome to Una Palabra Sola, where we get to learn Spanish one word at a time. I'm your host, Megan Miller, founder and teacher at Aprovechar Language Solutions. Empezamos and let's dive in.
0:26
Hola hola otra vez, bienvenidos, welcome back to Una Palabra Sola, a podcast where we get to learn Spanish one word at a time. I'm your host, Megan Miller. And today one of the wonderful words out there that I have chosen, es un sustantivo, it is a noun. Empieza con R. It starts with "Arr", all you pirates out there, "Arr" and it is very important to talk about because it is one of the biggest cultural differences between el mundo no hispanohablante y el mundo hispanohablante. So it's one of the biggest differences between not only the Spanish-speaking world versus the non Spanish-speaking world, which just sounds better in Spanish. But let's go ahead and get started. This word is something to keep in mind as you meet strangers, make conversation, travel. And this word is Respeto or respect. So Aretha Franklin is going to roll over because I am going to try to spell it in Spanish: R E S P E T O, there's no "C". So it's not "respecto", it's "respeto". And sometimes if you meet people, they might even quita la S or completely cut out the "S" and have "repeto".
1:58
So respeto, what is it? This is respect, and one of the biggest challenges to learn is the difference between tú and usted in Spanish. Tú is your informal "you" versus usted (Ud.) is a very much more formal "you." So in this episode, what we're going to do is talk about when to use tú versus Ud. and how really important respect is as a concept, as a cultural cornerstone, basically respect is everything en el mundo hispanohablante. So, la palabra, otra vez respeto, or repeto, and that is r e s p e t o, it is a un sustantivo, it is a noun, which means that it is el respeto. And the actual definition is respect, admiration, or esteem. So you get that kind of feeling of, you know, if you hear me falta respeto, which is an example of how it's used, meaning I'm missing some respect here, like you need to respect me. You can kind of tune your ears and be like, oh, something's about to go down. It's also used a little bit more formally, and I'm gonna sit up straighter in my chair, maybe stick a pinky out with "el debido respeto" or "con todo respeto". And that's like with all due respect, it's very súper-formal, very, very formal. or you can use "con respeto a" so "with respect to", once again, "a" is just your preposition that means "to". So, to not tú very, very different here. So how it's used, "me falta respeto", basically someone is putting up a warning sign or a little flare that's like, hey, you need to respect me. It's super formal, you might hear this in like, I don't know, Spanish court TV, or maybe a super telenovela or university course, "con el debido respeto" or "con todo respeto". Or you could hear it "con respeto a", which means with respect to.
This is another example of a word that, in and of itself is not really used in conversation that much, but as a cultural concept, I definitely wanted to cover it today, because I don't know about you, but I have been fielding a lot of questions about like tú versus Ud. People are like, "when to use which, Megan?" And I'm like, well, it really depends. It depends on the context, the the psychological safety of the environment. It depends on your relationship, how you perceive the relationship, how the other person perceives the relationship, and really it is kind of a hairy thing, but it all comes down to respeto; it all comes down to respect. And because we have that concept of respect baked in, let's just go ahead and talk about it. So as always, this is de latín, from Latin, respectus. So regard, consideration, looking back at. So like, if I'm, you know, going and trying to look back at something I might respectus it in Latin? I don't know, this is why I teach Spanish.
5:35
Some synonyms are por ejemplo, verbos cuidar, to take care of; preservar, to preserve. Some nouns, consideración. So consideration, basically, la consideración. And then you also have respetuosamente, which means respectfully. So you might hear this, for example, Downton Abbey, if you ever listened to in Spanish, respectuosamente, no voy. I respectfully declined. I'm not going to your party. Antonyms, this is where it gets super fun. You can have... this is what you might call a person who is really rude to you: grosero, or feminine because we can be rude, too, grosera. Or you can say maleducado or maleducada, which means badly educated. Very upper crust, you know, pinkies out, kind of, "oh, you're so badly educated!" It's just an example of the literal translation may not mean exactly what you want, but if you say, "No seas grosero", like, don't be rude. Or "No seas grosera", "No seas maleducada", don't be a rude person. It doesn't necessarily literally make sense when you translate it, but it makes sense in the context, and it's a sign of fluency, guys, or craziness. I'm not really sure; haven't gotten my test results back yet on that, but it is very much of that concept of stop being rude. Like if Rihanna was singing Rude Boys, she would say "No seas grosero.. oh-oh-oh". You can also have grosería. So, grosería, descortesía. That's like discourtesy. It's rudeness.
And that is just, grosero, grosera, maleeducado, maleducada; those were your adjectives that you can call people. But if you want to say that something is just, it's rude, it's a discourtesy, you would use grosería or descortesía. So one way that you can kind of have that related verb is this option of, or this concept of tutear. So if you ever hear tutéame, it means use the tú with me, use that informal "you" with me, not the formal Ud. We're good. We can use tú with each other. Also, related verb is respetar or faltar respeto, or also obedecer, obedecer means to obey. So respect, obey, it's all kind of interrelated with that, you know, be a good person, no seas grosero or grosera; be a good person, not a rude person and respect, you know, certain things. So those feelings of respect, it's embedded in Latin culture. Really patriarchy, machismo are the two big things along with respecting your elders. I think in the US, and once again, this is my opinion. So if you have different opinions, let me know feel free to comment, send me emails, just don't seas grosero. Don't be that rude with me.
9:21
But as an American, white woman, what my opinions are, is that in the US, everyone is much more on a level playing field, like the generations that keep fighting for who has the best ideas. And really, it's a competition that no one can win. But like, Gen X, and Gen Z, and Millennials, and Boomers and whoever else, like it's so weary, I'm so over it, but we continue to do it. Because that's the definition of insanity. And the respect your elders, yes in the South, it's definitely, you know, a big cultural standpoint. It's personally how I was always raised, you respect your elders. But quite honestly, like once puberty hit, I'm like, no, we're all equal here. So it really depends, I think, on the individual nuclear family and how people grew up and what that perception of respect really is.
But going into Latin culture, and this is once again observations. Yes, feminism, like more casual culture, of course that exists en la cultura hispanohablante. Of course, honestly, those women may have better rights than we do (in the U.S.). But this is where the words that we say or use matter, right? Respeto no es machismo; it's not that concept of machismo that the guy is paying the bill and opening the doors and the woman just sits and swoons on a fainting chair. It's not that machismo equals respect. It's simply a way that people show respect to each other. And for some men, that is more machismo qualities of "I'm going to call you, I want to make sure that you're safe, I want to know where you are, what you're doing, who you're doing it with." to other people, like a woman, that might just mean oppression. So it really depends on that perception of respect.
11:38
Because respect once again, isn't the patriarchy, right? It's just how people have learned what those social norms are in this realm of respecting other people, respecting people of a certain status, respecting people of a certain age, of a certain look, right. The world is different. I don't think that the worlds that we live in are like our parents' or grandparents' worlds. But those feelings of machismo or patriarchy definitely persist, especially in Latin culture, where you would hear for example, when I worked at a Dominican restaurant, the owner, el dueño, era dominicano; su mujer o su esposa era puertorriqueña. So I heard the two of them kind of arguing a lot. And she would always say, "Me falta respeto", you don't know how much I do. And you know, whether that is an example of just a little fight between two people that at the end of the day, they're married and they love each other. Or that was indicative to, you know, decades of cultural oppression or, you know, socioeconomic status, or how they perceived the other to respect or faltar, to kind of miss that respect of them. That's up to you to decide. I don't really think that it matters too much. But just to know that this whole concept of respect, of respecting other people, respecting yourself, respecting elders, spouses, it is definitely just in the veins of everyone in that Latin culture.
Along with that, another observation, more and more people are using tú that I've seen; that's in online forums, it's comments, it's calls to action in business, as well. More and more people are rechazando, they are rejecting usted, and they're using tú. Whether that's because they want to get closer to their consumer, or they want to have that close relationship with their consumer or customer, or it's more indicative to, you know, more informality, I guess, or less formality in the business world. You know, once again, it's up to you, because that's the perception, right? However, I think, because all of this is subjective, the way that we show respect to other people or show deference to other people, that we defer to people that might be senior to us, or, you know, physically abled versus physically disabled, mentally abled versus mentally disabled, any of those; like, we want to show respect and we don't want to offend right that's the pesadilla que tenemos todos, that we don't want to offend somebody with our words, with our ignorance, essentially. It's like accidentally offending someone, like so you meet someone, you know, you land in Panama City and you go to a bar and you meet someone there. And, you know, you're chatting it up and you're kind of vibing together and they're just they're getting along with you. And you're like, yes, I want you know, a travel buddy, I want a pen pal, I want a Facebook friend, whatever that might be to you or for you. And then you know, this pesadilla, this nightmare that we all have you accidentally offend them. And then they're like, Okay, we're done here. Like, there's nothing worse, I think, than losing someone who could be or used to be close to you. Right? Like we all have those ties to people that we really remember with fondness. And we don't want to offend. Offend them either with our words or with our ignorance. This goes right into tú versus usted. So, when I teach tú vs. Ud. there's a lot of questions.
16:11
Quick guided tour. So, if the person is younger than you, meaning like a child, I would use tú always. I personally cannot tell if a child could be between four and 16. I'm not sure. But basically, if they are menor, if they are younger than me, I'll use tú. So I will use tú with children.
And if the person is older than me, I will use usted. I personally, always try to express caution when I'm meeting someone because there is that nightmare, right? Social anxiety is a real thing. And it gets realer when you are trying to meet people in another language. So at the get go, I will always use Ud. if it is someone older than me, like 40, 50, 60, up. If I'm approaching, you know, a man in a park sitting at a bench and I'm going to ask him for directions. I'm going to be like, ¿Ud. puede ayudarme? Like, can you help me? And I will just automatically throw that in there because I want to show deference. Respect to elders is a big thing. And I don't want to have him say no if I accidentally used the tú form.
So if that person is well known, meaning not like a celebrity, but like, you know, that person, I would say use tú also. So not only age, right, younger tú; older Ud., but also in that cercanía, that closeness of a relationship. So for example, I was meeting one of my students on Tuesday, and he asked me something, and he started with Ud. And I was like, no, tutéame, like we've been working together for almost a year. I know that he wants to show deference because I'm the profesora, I'm the teacher, but I'm like, No, we're on a level playing field here, tutéame. Right, so if that person, if the cercanía, if that closeness of the relationship is there, I would say use tú versus if the person is a stranger, use usted.
Also, for those that might be looking for work abroad, I would say if you're in a job interview always usted. Always. And that is once again, just showing that deference, right. I'm here interviewing for this company. And I'm going to use Ud. But once again, right, like, keep feeling out the vibe. If you're like Google en Español, you might use tú because generally, formality changes in the industry as well. Right? If you're going for a finance job, Banco Santander, I'd say definitely use usted, rather there versus if you're in a tech interview. And if you would say in English, like hey, what's up? That is a tú moment versus like, yes, hello, I am here. And, y usted.
19:24
For all my travelers out there, if you're on the street in the market, talking to the bartender, getting tacos from the taquería, whatever. It depends. So por ejemplo, I had a roommate who would always use Ud. with her mom. I've had other friends, same country, use tú with their mom, their grandma, all of their family. So I think really the first big takeaway is to listen to what other people are saying. Cuando estás en Roma, haga como los romanos, right. When you're in Rome, do as the Romans.
So listen to what other people are saying, especially if it's like a vendor or cashier; if it's a transactional relationship, do as the locals. Because you don't want to be stuffy-formal, and therefore kind of stick out, right? You don't want to come in and say, OK, I'm ready to use tú for you, you know, Carrefour cashier or something. You also just don't want to be offensive. So listening to other people, especially locals is going to be helpful.
Quite honestly, anytime that I'm in a new country that is Spanish speaking, I'm going to take the first like, I don't know, half a day that I'm there and just kind of walk around and see things and hear things and just be a sponge. I do not tell people to be Spongebob Squarepants that often, but just be a sponge, sé una esponja. Because that is going to be helpful as you kind of get into the swing of what the locals are saying or what the locals are using.
And also it's good for accents and dialects. Right? So southern Spain is going to be different than Madrid, which is going to be different than Argentina, which is going to be different than, you know, literally anywhere else. Seriously. So first big takeaway, listen to the locals, especially if it's like a transactional relationship. Like if you are regular at a bar, and you know the bartender and you know, you're at a good kind of equal to a tú relationship. That's one thing, versus like a stranger coming into the bar, they might be in that Ud. relationship. Like, I don't know, do you really know how to make a Manhattan? Or are you just kind of playing with me? So it really depends on that perception of the relationship and the overall kind of perception of how important respect is to you versus that person.
22:16
The other big takeaway, the second big takeaway is to ask! Especially if it is a one-on-one relationship, or one-on-one conversation, ¿Qué debo utilizar, tú o Ud.? is a very easy way to just get it out in the open. So I was talking earlier about social anxiety, which yes, I feel a lot. And if you're feeling anxious about the conversation, yes, you can mirror. The stranger uses tú so you might use tú, or the stranger or you know, that person that you're meeting with, you know, might have very open body language and leaning into the camera. And so you want to have also have open body language and lean into the camera as well. Like you don't want to be all closed off and have you know your arms in front of you like a bouncer. So mirroring is great. But if you're feeling too much like a stranger in a strange land, just ask the fucking question. Like, you could also use ¿Qué prefiere, tú o Ud.?
Por ejemplo, when I was in New York doing my DELE exam, the last part is speaking. So you have to give a presentation. You have to talk about the theme. And then you have to do kind of informal conversation. Every single person that I met with from Instituto Cervantes always asked me ¿Qué prefiere, tú o Ud.?. And that was wonderful. Because I'm like, yeah, we can use Ud., but like, it has been eight hours that I've been thinking and like bleeding in my brain in Spanish. So we're just going to use tú. Also, in my experience, tú is used a lot more in Spain, just in general. When I was in Spain, granted, that was years and years ago, tú was used a lot versus usted or ustedes; it was always tú or vosotros. So they keep it more on that informal, kind of level. Right? But if you're meeting someone specifically in Latin America, Caribbean, good god, there are 33 countries! 33 Spanish-speaking countries, like, that's a lot of options. And you have this kind of mental churn in the back of your head like oh, no, I don't want to offend. Which one should I use tú or Ud., just fucking ask!
Because it is not worth having that churn in the back of your head going okay, sit up straight, and don't do anything offensive, and how do you conjugate that verb; it's a lot. That's why we get so exhausted speaking Spanish and practicing Spanish for an hour, two hours, five days at a time, because you're constantly in the back of your head in the front of your head, going, okay, how do I want to respond? What what do I want to say? How can I make sure that I'm perceived the way that I would want? And then how can I also pick up on them? And you know, being sensitive and a stranger in a strange land is exhausting. So one other thing from that question like, ¿Qué debo usar? or ¿Qué debo utilizar?, or ¿Qué prefiere? The one other beautiful thing about asking that question and just get it out in the open shows that you are ready to use either.
22:58
So los hispanohablantes know that this is a little bit of a head scratcher for us non-native speakers. And quite honestly, for me, the easy thing to do is just to ask, get it out in the open, and then giggle about it later. Like, figure out how the person wants to be addressed. Get through the conversation, and then later, take a big deep breath and know that you did your absolute best. With that, though, because there are two different ways to say "you" in Spanish, be sure to conjugate the verbs correctly. So you don't want to be using Ud. and then give a tú command or vice versa because it's just confusing. I had the chance to interview some native Spanish speakers, and I always asked them, "What's the most difficult part of speaking with or dealing with non-natives, gringos como yo, white people like me, what's the worst thing?" And everyone's answer across the board (multiple countries, multiple levels), they were all like "Verbs, you guys need to get your verbs in order."
So if you do decide to use tú, make sure that that tú is all the way across the board. You're using tú in the past, in the present, in the future, as a command; whatever, however you might use tú. Versus Ud., which is very much of a make sure that you use Ud. in the past, in the present, in the future, and as a command.
And if you do need that verb help check out the Deseo program. We are opening for another cohort soon. So verbs are one of those things, everyone hates them, everyone loves them, everyone needs them. So no matter how you feel about verbs in Spanish, don't worry. We're all just trying to do our best and get through them. And a lot of that is rote memorization, which I can help with.
28:03
So back to verbos, or more or less respect, right? You might be asking, well, why? Why is there this informal tú and then this formal "you". And then even like the informal vosotros that's used in Spain, which means like "y'all", or the more formal Uds. that is spoken literally everywhere else, and it means "you all" why? Well, queridos, because Spanish comes from Latin. And it has been historically important to have verb conjugations for two different pronouns. And because some people were royalty, and they needed to be addressed differently. So like I said earlier, kind of tune your ears if you hear like, oh, me falta respeto, or con todo respeto a, because that's a big sign that you need to pay attention. But respect in and of itself is not really used that much. It's more of a concept.
And that idea of respect has kind of changed, right? Because with the internet royalty isn't so much of a concern, because we're all plebeians. Somos iguales, we're all equal. So instead of getting hung up on tú versus Ud., think about how you can best respect the person in front of you. How can you show that respect to the person that you are doing conversation with, that you're doing classes with, however, and wherever you're jugando con español, wherever you're playing with Spanish. It doesn't necessarily matter all of the mental churn of like, Oh no, do I need to conjugate that verb and oh, no, did did I use tú or Ud.? What's the verb conjugation in the past? And oh, the conversation has moved, and what kind of vocabulary do I need to keep up, like, I'm rocking back and forth because it's a lot right, it's a lot of mental churn.
30:02
So take a deep breath, and focus on the person in front of you. That means having your order ready a la taquería. It means to not stare at your phone; it means to be present, to make the right amount of eye contact, blink once in a while; listen to understand, not respond. And really more than anything, be open to connection. Because con todo respeto a la humanidad, all this respect to humanity, really, what we want and what we desire more than anything, is to connect with other people. To connect with intention, to connect with confidence and competence. We want to be perceived as someone who is una buena persona, who's a good person. We want that to be kind of how how others perceive us. But then we also want to connect with other buenas personas, other good people. So when in doubt, tira todo. Throw out all the shit that you've got in your head, and take a deep breath and focus on the person in front of you.
If you need them to slow down, you can say Más despacio, por favor. Intento escuchar pero no estoy buena. I'm trying to listen, but I'm not there yet. If someone is talking about something and you're like, do we really need to be talking about access to abortions in Spanish and with the concept of Latin American countries, you can ask to change the conversation topic or you can just totally change it on them, and see what happens, right. So it's more about focusing on the person in front of you, focusing on the relationship and the connection, the opportunities for connection than it is in any way to show deference or respect or or to utilize debido respeto a. Like you don't need to memorize the super formal phrases or memorize you know, the little mind map of tú or Ud., like, just ask. Ask, and then move forward.
Because if you are open to that connection, other people will understand that. And any of those little offenses that happen, because they happen to us all, I can tell you stories that can make both of us blush a lot. They happen to us all, and that's okay because that is all part of learning and practicing and speaking and existing in another language. So for those that are having that ack feeling and they want to feel more comfortable and confident in Spanish, check out my monthly program called Deseo at DeseoSpanishProgram.info.
Y también, check out the show notes, transcript, request a word, or be on the show, check out aprovechar.me. Alright, hasta la próxima vez, until next time. Un abrazo fuerte.